ShitCrunch

(1) ¶ New Kinda Box 

Box.net, Boxee, Inbox, TokBox, DropBox, etc.  Do they really make much money?  Enter ShitBox – the first box accessible exclusively offline, for just £15.67.  Made by The Brown Corporation in England,  it doubles as a lightweight portable cardboard toilet, and comes in many colors and themes.  Extremely versatile – you can throw all sorts of shit in there, as long as it fits.  Want to backup your files?  Just burn them to a CD and throw them in your ShitBox.  Archiving pictures of your x-girlfriends?  Drop them in with a flick of your wrist.  Visiting a festival or going to see a horror film?  Take your portable ShitBox with you.

Unlike other backup solutions, it’s eco-friendly & bio-degradable, just like your own shit.  The feature-set is similar to that of Box.net:

- Forget frustration.  Shit anytime, anywhere.

- Get out of your inbox.  Daydream on your ShitBox.

- Simple, powerful collaboration.  Just take turns.

- At your fingertips, litterally.

And best of all – it’s British.  No other box comes close.

(0) ¶ Crapium: Monetize Your Users with Crap 

Struggling to monetize your user base?  Forget Freemium.  More and more businesses are turning to the new, ultra hip business model – Crapium.  Our experts at ShitCrunch explain:

“Crapium, at it’s core, is about giving away a useful product or service without a profit.  This allows businesses to attract a huge number of users, who they can sell all sorts of crap to.”

Take the leading low-cost airline as an example – Ryanair.  Whilst selling flights for £1, Ryanair manages to make money by selling all sorts of crap to people while they fly: lottery tickets, seats, permission to use your mobile phone, boarding without a fight, and most importantly, lavatory access.  Though I suppose you can still shit for free if you don’t mind sitting on it.

(0) ¶ Forget Pirate Bay, Spotify is the Shit 

Label A: “So here’s what we do: sue the hell out of Pirate Bay.  Take those fuckers down, they won’t pay us anything anyway.  Then we’ll give our music to those guys at Spotify for 6%, who’ll get loads of investors to invest at a $250M valuation.  Once that happens each of our stakes will be worth north of $15M!”

Label B: “Cool dude!  But wait, don’t we have to pay something to those musicians as well?”

Label A: “Shit, I forgot”.

Label A: “Wait, I know – let’s says Spotify ’streams’ music and that’s why we’re only charging them a tiny fee, like $0.01 for each ’stream’ – which we can pass on to those musicians.”

Label B: “Interesting.  What the heck is a stream?”

Label A: “It’s a fancy way of saying you can listen to a song, but you need to download some extra software to actually save it to your hard drive.”

Label B: “Wicked idea.  And if musicians complain?”

Label A: “We sell our stakes and sue Spotify.  We can even do what Amazon did, and remove all George Michael songs just to scare the shit out of everyone.”

Label B: “Genius.”

(0) ¶ OMG Google Sells Ads 

And the Most Insightful Post of the Week award goes to Jordan Golson for telling the world that Google makes most of it’s money by selling advertising.  The popular GigaOm writer has made the discovery after analyzing quarterly filings made by the company for the last 10 years.  Using hidden markov models and neural nets to crunch the data, he’s arrived at the following:

“Google is, first and foremost, an advertising company.”

That’s some Nobel prize winning shit.  No wonder the comments are full of praise:

“Om should fire you for this jackass post of yours.”

“Did you know that GigaOM is not a blog? Sure they post a lot of poorly-thought-out blog posts, but they don’t make any money off them. They just post silly pie charts in order to get you to see more banner ads.”

The consequence is that Google is an extremely busy company.  They don’t just display ads, they also move them around, change their order, and even, on rare occasions, their color.  No wonder they make billions.

(1) ¶ Twitterrhea 

Twitter is now worth half a billion.  It’s obvious why – the service is insanely useful.  Check out this real-time stream of shit for example.  People use twitter to say things like:

“I feel lik shit on a stick”

“Just had some happy shit happen to me lol”

“BEYONCE WORE THE SAME SHIT IN LIKE 4 VIDEOS!!!!!”

“Shit the boss came back. Now I have to work. Fuckity fuck fuck.”

“Holy crap. Worst shit cramps of my life. Right when i get to the beach… im going to take the greatest dump ive ever taken. i can feel it”

“HOLY SHIT!! It is raining so flippin hard that it is flooding!!”

“I flipped my shit”

All other kinds of messages tend to be generated by bots (over 25%) or the few active Twitter users (5% – celebrities, promoters & reporters).  It’s no surprise every user on Twitter is worth over $70.

Update: even the BBC agrees.

(15) ¶ Hello world! 

ShitCrunch – When the Shit Hits the Fan.

We’ll be reporting on all the shit, all over the world, as it happens.  We won’t miss a drop, we promise.  Make sure you subscribe to our RSS feed, so you can have shit streaming directly at you.  All the time, all the shit, exclusively on ShitCrunch.  No fee, completely free, why pay for shit elsewhere when you can get it here for free?  Don’t forget – you caught it here first, on ShitCrunch.